The Healing Power of Forgiveness – David McGraw Official Site

Forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is challenging. At times, it may even feel impossible. But there is hope and healing past your hurts, if you’ll take the journey through forgiveness. Unfortunately, attempting that journey can be a lonely one. And it’s easy to be so overwhelmed with the effort it takes that you simply give up. That’s where a coach can help.

A coach can help you work through each of these steps in a way that will lead to long-term freedom and peace. He can ask you probing questions, offer advice when the hurt feels too deep, and slowly push you toward the goal of forgiveness. In short, if you’re ready to move beyond your past and into a more successful future, a coach may be just what you need.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Colin Powell, the US Secretary of State under President George W. Bush, once said, “None of us can change our yesterdays, but all of us can change our tomorrows.” When we hold on to the hurts and pains of the past, the only person we’re harming is ourselves.

Unforgiveness weighs us down and keeps us from being able to move forward. In his book The Success Principles, Jack Canfield went as far as to say, “I have known people who have forgiven their parents and doubled their income in the ensuing few months, as well as doubled their productivity and doubles their ability to achieve things” (Canfield p.395). How could something as simple as forgiveness possibly make a person more productive in their work-life? The answer to that question becomes clear when you think about all the time and energy people waste on reliving the past.

And yet, forgiveness isn’t always a simple thing to do. Deep suffering can leave wounds that remain with us for decades. But that doesn’t mean we have to continue holding on to them. There is freedom and healing available through the power of forgiveness.

So, is genuine forgiveness as simple as saying the words, “I forgive you,” and moving on? Not always. Depending on the depth of hurt, forgiveness can take a bit longer and require more thought than that. But if you’ll walk through the process outlined below, you’ll be that much closer to the freedom, peace, and success that comes with forgiveness.

Now, before we look at these powerful steps, it’s important to recognize that offering forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’ve approving what happened. It also doesn’t mean that any broken relationships will suddenly be restored to the way they were before. In fact, you may never speak to the person who hurt you again. Forgiveness isn’t just for the one who did wrong. It’s for freeing you from chains of bitterness.

Acknowledge the Transgression

The first step in your forgiveness journey is to fully acknowledge what happened. In Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman encourages us to “recall the hurt, in as objective a way as you can.” This isn’t mean to be a time for wallowing in self-pity or demonizing the person who hurt you though. If you find yourself being pulled in either of those directions, take a deep breath, recenter yourself, and try to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Visualize the events that led up to your hurt and the suffering itself as clearly and calmly as possible. Once you’re finished, you’ll be ready to move on to the next stage.

Process the Feelings

As you relive the things that led to your suffering, you’ll find that a host of emotions are stirred up. You may get angry or cry. Don’t ignore them. Instead, dig down into them and look for the reasons behind them. Often, when we get angry, there is a deeper feeling that’s fanning the flames of that anger. It could be fear or betrayal or any number of other things. But whatever it is, you need to discover and acknowledge it.

It’s important for you to fully process these deeper feelings because they normally reveal an unmet need. The reason you continue to relive past hurts is because you’re searching for an answer to those unmet needs, whether a need for acceptance, love, or something else. You will never fulfill those needs by reliving past events. But once you see them for what they are, you can begin seeking the things that will meet them. And finally, you can experience peace.

Seek Perspective

Once your own hurts and their underlying causes have been exposed, you need to step back and reflect on the person who hurt you. Contextualize what happened by trying to understand why the person who hurt you acted like they did. Maybe they had trauma in their life that caused them act in ways that hurt others. Or, perhaps they were going through a difficult time that led to them acting like they did. As difficult as it may be, it’s important to try to empathize with the perpetrator. Martin Seligman encourages people to remember the following…

“When others feel their survival is threatened, they will hurt innocents.
People who attack others are themselves usually in a state of fear, worry, and hurt.
The situation a person finds himself in, and not his underlying personality, can lead to hurting.
People often don’t think when they hurt others; they just lash out” ).

Do your best to get some perspective on why things played out they way they did. Then, move on to the final step.

Examine Everything with a Spiritual Lens

After examining your own heart, the transgression that led to your suffering, and the perpetrator who hurt you, it’s time to step back and survey everything from a spiritual perspective. Recognize that you, like your perpetrator, are human and that you’ve hurt people as well. In fact, all of us are flawed and have caused suffering in the lives of others at one time or another. This is why Seligman says that we should begin this step by recalling “a time [we] transgressed, felt guilty, and were forgiven.” Then, we should reflect on how being forgiven felt. Finally, we should offer forgiveness because it is the right thing to do, and it is evidence that we have moved beyond bitterness and vengeance.

Once we’ve offered forgiveness, we must hold onto it. When memories of the event arise, we need to see it as an opportunity to remind ourselves of the forgiveness that we’ve already given. Once you’ve made that acknowledgement, we should put them aside and set our minds on something else. Dwelling on the past will leave lead us into the future.

How a Coach Can Help You Find Freedom Through Forgiveness

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